My Guide to a Better Me (and You!)

I am on the path of self-actualizing my transcendental perfection. Making physical what is spiritually self evident.

Also known as, trying to reach peak physical hotness.

I'm tired of all this "perfection is relative" nonsense. Ok, yeah, maybe it is, but that doesn't mean we should just accept what we've been McHanded. Time to acknowledge that human flaws exist, and that it is ok to try to stamp them out.

I am full of bullshit right now. Basically I just have altered my daily regimen again, after my time in Cali, and am happy to share with you the depths of my vanity.

Step 1: Inside Out
Vitamins and such! Omega 3-6-9 to boost my immune system, Vitamin E to make my hair, skin and nails awesome (though originally started taking it because apparently it helps prevent lactic acid build up that will wake you up in the night with debilitating calf cramps - I know you know what I'm talking about), Glucosamine because I got it for free and it helps with joints, and Spirulina in case I don't get all my veggies. No one looks good sick and limping.

Step 2: Thick Shiny Hair!
Not the old fashioned way, the new, Finnish, Vogue-recommended way. Viviscal! A Hair thinning treatment that has been found to make those of us not balding grow thicker, stronger and longer locks. May contain shark. Whatever.

Step 3: Whitestrips.
Really white teeth are only occasionally frightening - yellow teeth always are.

Step 4: FaceFaceFace
Gotta insure the moneymaker. Viviscal apparently, alongside the sweet intended side affects, makes you break out. Fucking sharks and their black magic. So I balance that with Proactive Cleanser in the morning and at night. If I shower or wash my face during the day, I go for a gentler cleanser (I have both Keihl's Ultra Facial Cleanser and L'Occitane Amande Pomme Cleansing Oil - this one was a sweet stranded-at-the-Houston-airport based discovery). After washing, apply a gentle toner, Keihl's Ultra Toner. Follow promptly with a light facial moisturizer and, in the morning, SPF 45 sunscreen, or in the evening, Olay Regenerist Microsculpting Cream and Keihl's Avocado Eye Cream. Only perfection will do!

Step 5: Inner Zen - Outter Hotness
Hot Yoga. I try to go everyday - it keeps me sane on all sorts of levels. It gives me a break from work, it lets me focus entirely on myself for an hour and a half, and it means I can buy chocolate on my way home relatively guilt free.

Step 6: Green Tea
Abandon coffee, all ye who wish to enter the realm of hotness. It makes you prone to bloating, stains your teeth, and make thou a jittery, addicted mess.

Step 7: Early to Bed, Early to Rise
You gotta get shit done between aiming for physical perfection - like mark a million papers and write a god damn thesis. But you must avoid looking haggard while doing so. So, up no later than 9:00, even on weekends, to bed no later than 1:00. 8 hours of sleep minimum whenever humanly possible.

These are the tenants! May they lead me through the shadow of the Valley of the Unfortunate Looking.