The Sexual Cynic: Sexual Harassment in the Workplace in the Bedroom

So this time around, when choosing a position to eviscerate, I took advantage of a hilarious link that says "Spin to Get Lucky." There aren't exclamation marks there, but there certainly should be. If spinning is all one needs to do to get lucky, my universe-imposed celibacy is even more mind boggling. But I am overjoyed I did spin, because it means that next up on the chopping block is...

The Chairman

I can't imagine the team meeting that took place where the staff of Women's Health had to sit around and come up with names for these positions, particularly when some of them look nearly identical. I can only imagine someone saying, amidst the ubiquitous boardroom-meeting bagels and starbucks that tv has led me to believe are mandated in corporate America, "Hey, why don't we make corporate patriarchy sexy again?" Voila: The Chairman. The fact that this position is nearly identical (in my humble opinion) to the position they have christened The Champagne Room, inadvertently speaks volumes about the nature of sex and gender in business: why, there is no difference between the domination and aggression of a CEO and the douchebaggery committed by guys in strip clubs in the eyes of the first-rate writers at Women's Health! Women are objects for the sexual gratification of men, in the boardroom and in the stripclub - now hold onto that racy though and lets take it to the bedroom. Sexy!

Ok, I confess that I may read some feminist literature every now and again, but seriously, doesn't this position just scream "naughty secretary fantasy" and doesn't that, in turn, just scream sexual harassment? But, should you be indifferent to patriarchy and partial to sex on the edge of the bed, here's how you achieve it:

He sits on the edge of the bed and you sit on him, facing away.

Shit. They are clearly onto me at WH. Despite the fact that this is fairly vague, there's nothing overly objectionable. I apologize - I've let you down. I promise I'll have better luck once we consider the Benefits:

This move will hit the spot…as in your G-spot. Good for G-spot stimulation while you can use your hands to stimulate his scrotum or perineum.

The first sentence screams bad sitcom up-speak sex joke, at which point the studios play both the laugh and groan tracks. So lets hope the benefits aren't limited to the joy I genuinely get at poorly executed sex jokes. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Your G spot. Cool. But you want me to do what? Stimulate his scrotum or perineum? Ok, sure, I'll play along, but how? Note that our heroine is leaning away from her man friend, and does not have her feet securely on the floor. Which not only begs the question "how do you actually move, once in this pose? Or is this one of those weird tantric things I don't believe in again?" but also, "how do I keep from plummeting off the bed? Is he supposed to hold on to me? What if I don't sleep with men with any measurable upper-body strength? Or is his scrotum/perineum supposed to function as reigns of some sort?"

Lesson? Do not ask me to stimulate your scrotum, gentlemen. Finally, how can we ramp up the heat with a racy bonus?

Bring your knees closer to your chest, supporting your feet on the bed.

Excuse me, what? Remember my curiosity about how you're supposed to move in this position? Yeah, never would I have imagined bringing my feet up next to the party would be the answer. I am a strong proponent of the entirely racist belief that only people from the continent of Asia can actually squat comfortably with their feet flat on the ground - so people from the continent of Asia, hit this position up! Do IT! If you're not, however, I predict you will garner some truly unflattering rolls in your attempt to achieve the illusive squat. And also, do you really want your sex position to share the name that indicates road-side urination? And while I have strong thighs, I don't think I would be able to hold myself a quarter inch above his business for more than about 30 seconds before I would literally somersault backwards over him.
Land it.
Throw hands up.
Wait for judges results.