Sexual Cynic: Women's Health, Always Looking Out For the Little Guy

So the blog has been very fitness-centric lately. Run, run, run, yoga, yoga, yoga, blah, blah, blah: let's talk about sex (baby) already! And it's true - it is high time I turn my attention away from my lady crush on Tracy Anderson, and towards the potential benefits of doing her sadistic butt and thighs workout. I mean, living at home with my parents has doubtless killed my mojo, but what is the point of losing weight and getting in shape if no one is going to see these almost-abs of mine? And as you know, I am a very modest young lady, which means no torso bearing garments for me - the only answer is full frontal nudity. Hopefully in a consensual-for-all parties environment. Though the prospect of becoming a baffling female flasher does have its appeal.

And one more brief aside: when I type "Women's" into my search engine, it first pops up the link to the Women's Health "Best Sex Positions Ever!" site - second is shopbop.com. What does this say about me? It says I am the worst feminist ever.

So here is a true story - it happened to a friend of a friend of mine - and I call it...

Flatiron

Holy shit - a sex position named after a hairstyling tool that I want nowhere near my vagina - please, for the love of God, tell me more Women's Health. But wait, hold your horses, before we delve into the glory of this toe-curling-orgasm-waiting-to-happen, you need to know how Women's Health guided me to this position. It turns out that you can set a series of criteria to help WH generate the position best suited to you and your man's abilities. And so, because I thought it would be funny, but also maybe realistic, I set my standards low: Flatiron is the position recommended for completely inflexible women having sex with poorly endowed minute men. Enjoy! But how?

You lie facedown on the bed, legs straight, hips slightly raised.

I am not against the idea of sex on your belly per-se - I'm as lazy as the next girl, so positions that transfer as quickly as possible from sex to nap are bomb in my books - but I really wish it showed us her face. You know, so this looked a little less smothery, rapey, found-you-taking-a-naked-nap-and-went-to-towny. I don't know if I'm just being a prude (ok, yes, I do know I'm being a prude) but there is something about this that doesn't scream consensual sex. But now, flushing images of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo out of my awful mind, what exactly are our benefits-a-plenty that we shall reap from this particular tantric foray? 

This position creates a snug fit. Your guy’s stuff will seem even larger.  

His stuff? What, like his car keys and day's receipts? You construct an entire manual on sexual positions and you can't throw out words like member, shaft, or even, dare I suggest it, penis? (The Sexual Cynic would like to take a moment here to clarify that she in no way approves of the use of the word member outside of trashy harlequin romance excerpts found in the back of Cosmo. It's use should be limited at all times, if not out-right prohibited. Thank you.) So here we go though! If you aren't taking time out from your Cirque du Soliel doubles training with your massively endowed man-friend to have sex, here's an alternative! But again, the "snug fit" thing screams "not supposed to be having sex in this position" which screams "non-consensual sex." Just a bit? But at least your guy's STUFF will seem larger while you're shaking away mental anxiety about a possible penchant for rape fantasies. What bonus should we add into this sexy and considerate mix, WH?

Some shallow thrusts and deep breathing will help him last longer.

I don't even know what to say. Thank you. Thank you WH for realizing that the owness for good sex isn't based solely on a woman's in-depth magazine research - there's (sometimes) a guy there too. And he's gots to work, damn it. I must admit here that reading this suggestion makes me snigger a bit. And I feel awful. I get that this is a problem, but it really feels like WH staff sat around and thought "ok - let's come up with a position for guys who suck in bed." This position really is crafted for a guy with a minuscule penis who just doesn't have longevity. I'm shocked the bonus doesn't include doing 2-4 shots of tequila (but no more, for the love of God!) - I hear that makes it nay-impossible to, cough, arrive early. But for all the flack I give WH for holding us to unrealistic sexual standards, they finally realized that sex in real life, sadly, sometimes involved small penises and premature ejaculation.

A toast to you, Women's Health - Looking out for sexual underdogs since this lone position was unearthed and was christened the Flatiron.



ohmyGod - is Flatiron a small penis joke?