Sexual Cynic: Wait...I Was Doing It Wrong?

It has been ages since the Sexual Cynic has emerged, and for that, I am truly sorry. I actually gave my number to a guy recently, a guy I actually kinda like (whoa!) so I may have been resistant to reminding myself of the horrors that could lie in store if said guy picks up phone to call me, date(s) go well, and we end up in a bedroom  confronting the baffling array of positions which people who have sex more than once annually are engaging in. So overwhelming. But, as a lover of audiobooks, high waisted leopard print shorts and cats, I am also a huge proponent of self-love. And guess what. The folks at Women's Health Magazine have that covered...

 Couch Grind

I hope we are all having the same reaction here: "people need to be told how to masturbate?" followed swiftly by "And Women's Health is telling them to masturbate using a picnic blanket on an armchair???"
This is not the only "solo" position that WH recommends though - it's simply one of six helpful  suggestions(I would have said "handy suggestions," but puns aren't really my thing). Others include a bubblebath and looking into your own eyes with a hand mirror! I cannot even explain how horrified I am by that suggestion; you may recall my resistance to extended eye contact during coitus, so you can only imagine how I feel about self-eye-contact. I feel creepy. And I am a narcissist - that is just taking things too far. But I digress from the position at hand. Ok WH, how do I get myself off in this instance?

Ride the arm of a stuffed chair or couch, or the edge of a table or desk with a thick towel or blanket folded over it. Start with a small movement of the hips, and slowly build momentum.

Um. This may be a bit too American Beauty but my mum has never even let me sit on the arm of a couch, let alone make sweet love to it. It just doesn't strike me as a structurally sound endeavour, though I do appreciate the clarification that the arm should be stuffed (but tables and desks?). Do not try this with Ikea furniture ladies, lest you have some awkward explaining next time your dinner guests start asking why all your furniture resembles kindling. Really, unless you're fulfilling some deep-seated Beauty and the Beast fantasies - for which I would strongly recommend counselling over towel-chair masturbation - I just don't think it's necessary to associate all your living spaces and furniture with your own uncontrollable horniness which no man can/will satisfy.

my sentiments exactly

So why, oh why, would you do this?

Great if you like solid, steady pressure on your clitoris.

Fair enough, but I think that someone misunderstood their harlequin romances when they talked about the solid steady pressure of wood against our heroine's clitoris...

Ok, ok, so what, if not simply clitoral orgasms, is the added benefit we can mix into this equation?

Grip the arm with your thighs and have your guy enter you from behind like the Doggy Style position. Just make sure not to break any furniture.

Ok, I feel very betrayed right now. Even in a guide about solo sexual acrobatics, WH suggests involving a second party? That shit wouldn't fly in singles figure skating and it don't fly with me. It gives the impression that the women for whom WH is writing are sexually satisfied yet adventurous women in relationships who just also require self-induced orgasms. For the glow or whatever. They could involve their partner at any point if they wanted. The alternative that some women masturbate because dearGodsomanymensuck does not really seem to occur to our charming writers.

That said, it does provide a convenient out if a gentleman you're willing to have sex with does catch you dry humping your sofa: "Oh...I was just waiting for you to join me..." That said, you're still stuck without a paddle if a parent or superintendant or most people with eyes catch you instead.

Why can't we just get off by hand, battery operated penis-simulacra or removable showerheads like in the good ol' days?